Thursday, March 25, 2010

Tip #7 - The Green Jello Mile

Somewhere around Memphis Tennessee the Mississippi River turns into jello for approximately a one mile stretch. Beware, because many travelers have been sucked in by this ploy. First, you see the river gradually turning into Jello. Next, you're like "Hey, is that Jello? Let me try some." Then, you fall into the River and the last thing you hear is Bill Cosby's laugh. It's sad seeing someone drown in Jello. The only thing that would be worse is seeing someone drown in Hello Kitty plush toys.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Tip #6 - Darkness

When darkness falls upon the Mississippi River man-eating bats appear to feast upon weary travellers. The only way to slay these beasts is by reading excerpts from Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's best selling self help book "Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters". The bats ultrasensitive hearing will pick up Dr. McGraw's words of wisdom from miles away and be left paralysed for all eternity.

Tip #5 - Sun

In order to avoid getting sun burnt you'll want to bring a plethora of tanning lotion and apply it on an hourly basis. Once you get to be as tan as the cast of Jersey Shore it's impossible to get any more tan. It's science.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Tip #4 - Navigating By The Stars

Years ago, before GPS and flying cars, sailors navigated by the stars. So, you're going to want to have either Paris Hilton or Mark Wahlberg on your speed dial. Just give them a call and be like "Hey Mark Wahlberg, I'm lost at sea.", and he'll be like "You need to travel 20 degrees north until sunset and you'll run into land"
This advice is pretty much worthless unless you fall asleep and end up in the Gulf of Mexico, but it doesn't hurt to be too prepared.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Tip #3 - Pirates

You will no doubt run into pirates on your voyage. The only way to scare pirates away is to dress like David Bowie during his Ziggy Stardust era. Seriously, pirates hated Ziggy Stardust.

Tip #2 - Pit Stop

Try to avoid making a pit stop in Savanna, Illinois unless you absolutely have to. If you do stop, don't go into Pat's Diner at all cost. He'll make you cry. :'(

Tip #1 - Making Space

If for any reason during your trip you need to make room on your boat you should throw all undergarments overboard. Throwing undergarments into the Mississippi River is not considered littering unless the undergarments are leopard print or laced. If you have already thrown all of your underdrawers into the river and you still need more room you may want to consider ditching one of your crew members somewhere in Missouri.