Somewhere around Memphis Tennessee the Mississippi River turns into jello for approximately a one mile stretch. Beware, because many travelers have been sucked in by this ploy. First, you see the river gradually turning into Jello. Next, you're like "Hey, is that Jello? Let me try some." Then, you fall into the River and the last thing you hear is Bill Cosby's laugh. It's sad seeing someone drown in Jello. The only thing that would be worse is seeing someone drown in Hello Kitty plush toys.
When darkness falls upon the Mississippi River man-eating bats appear to feast upon weary travellers. The only way to slay these beasts is by reading excerpts from Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's best selling self help book "Life Strategies: Doing What Works, Doing What Matters". The bats ultrasensitive hearing will pick up Dr. McGraw's words of wisdom from miles away and be left paralysed for all eternity.
In order to avoid getting sun burnt you'll want to bring a plethora of tanning lotion and apply it on an hourly basis. Once you get to be as tan as the cast of Jersey Shore it's impossible to get any more tan. It's science.
Years ago, before GPS and flying cars, sailors navigated by the stars. So, you're going to want to have either Paris Hilton or Mark Wahlberg on your speed dial. Just give them a call and be like "Hey Mark Wahlberg, I'm lost at sea.", and he'll be like "You need to travel 20 degrees north until sunset and you'll run into land"
